I See You, January
You know that feeling you got when you were eight and the teacher somehow kept not seeing your raised hand every time she looked your way? I’ve recently volunteered (hard) for something. And God, or the Universe, or whoever she is, said no. Not now. You… You must wait.
And then a series of other small things happened, including a really ugly conversation with my husband, several, several instances of vomit involving all four of my children, a pop-up ear infection and incredibly weepy toddlers. And that led to a very clean home.
I know I’ve said it before. I am Erin, daughter of Deborah, daughter of Joanne. When I don’t know what else to do, I clean. Because Lord knows there is always cleaning to be done. All Christmas is packed up, surfaces have been found, windows washed and germs eradicated. (Somewhat. I am not the mom who chases after sick kids with bleach…)
I also shed quite a few tears. Couldn’t blame it on hormones. It was sadness. The kind that makes your heart hurt. And also the kind that reminds you that you’re being silly, that so many others have it worse, and that, yet, it is still okay to cry for yourself and your own hurt.
Lily listened to the reason for part of that hurt and said “Well, it happens.” A couple minutes later, she said, “But I’d feel the same way.” And Luke said, “Mommy? Mommy k?” several times and offered up wet kisses to soothe me. And the others helped out too, reminding me all the way that I was doing something right in raising these caring kids, that I wasn’t, as I once wrote at age 15 or so, “the Coke at the bottom of the can that nobody will drink.”
Luckily, I got my workout in as well, which probably boosted the feel-good endorphins and whatnot, keeping me from complete liquid state. I am officially on a diet after I was asked twice in one week in early December if I was expecting again. (!) NO, no, I am not. So my secret is out. I am NOT expecting. I have a belly. Apparently, bellies on women are no longer allowed? Hence, the diet.
So I hate to be so lame-o, especially after I haven’t posted for so long, but, as Lily said, “It happens.”
The holidays were wonderful. I imbibed on the wine, drank up the time with family, chilled with the children, read a book. I even wrote in my journal once. So hey, all in all, a good haul.
And now, I see you, January. And I’m not backing down. You may have won this bad day, but there’s a lot of spunk in me yet, and I’m going to find myself a way out of some of these bad situations.
For now, I see you. And I raise you clean. My corner of the world is sparking, and soon… soon, I will be too.
10 Responses
Leave a Reply
My Gosh girl you always have a way of summing it all up. I had a horribly bad day as well, dealing with some things never thought I would and making some big decisions for our babies. Your a grea momma and a most wonderful person. I am sorry for your hurting heart and yes you are allowed to be hurt, because aside from wives and mothers we are still people and at our core we have hopes and dreams. Praying that God has something so much bigger no, I know He does. God bless sweets.
Thanks Valarie. You have your plate full, and my plate pales in comparison. I am saying a prayer for you and your boys, big and small, tonight!
EJ
Hang in there, sis! You are good enough, smart enough, and people Love you! Especially me. Hoping the feel bads are gone..for all of you. Your path has yet to be revealed.
Thanks, sis. Love you always.
Keep trucking, girl. Hope everyone is on the mend!
Thanks, sweetie. God willing, you’ll see those older kids off the bus tomorrow!
Hang in there, Erin. This too will pass!! January always brings the blues in the McCutcheon household. The sickness alone is enough to make you want to jump overboard. I pray everyone is feeling better, and everything will work out in time.
Yes, I always have a tough time this month. But as I age it gets easier because time moves so fast! haha!! Thanks for your sweet note.
So sorry for all of the sickness and blues…I am pulling through that myself…glad mine was not the puking kind. I’m really going to work hard this year of making myself a priority, I feel so much better when I eat healthy and work out. We are talking of joining the YMCA. REally going to work hard to stick with it. Can’t bring myself to take the Christmas decorations down. We got them up so late, I just can’t deal with taking them all down yet. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help. Love ya!
The only thing I need from you is you. =) Miss you sister. Are there fitness classes at Warren? I thought there was once upon a time. I would be very happy to make a date with you if it worked out with my commuting home, etc. Love ya back!